UNBECOMING

“She didn’t know how to fix herself….” -Bryn Chancellor, Sycamore I love the idea that we find in a book what we need to see or hear at that particular moment. I just finished re-reading Sycamore by Bryn Chancellor. It is the first selection in our campus-wide book club, Levine Reads. The first time I read the book, I had a purpose in mind. I was trying to solve the mystery that unraveled throughout the pages. There was a missing girl—a crime to be solved. I needed the answer

Do you remember when Oprah used to do her free car giveaway? For one of her shows, every single unsuspecting audience member received a free car. Oprah would point to the audience shouting, “YOU get a car, and YOU get a car, and YOU get a car.” I would like to do the same thing for people in my life, except I would give away therapists. Finding a therapist is one of the greatest gifts I have given myself in the past few years. It was a huge step in practicing self care. Sever

“At some point you have to start becoming something. You can’t just unbecome into nothing.” One of my coworkers and friends is a sociology professor. He is a good listener and deep thinker, which is why I tend to bounce ideas off of him. But me being me, I don’t always welcome his thoughts with an open mind. “Stop deconstructing my unbecoming!” For months I rolled my eyes at his comment, but lately it is beginning to make sense. Maybe I AM actually starting to become somethin

They say that the relationship we have with ourselves sets the tone for every other relationship we have in our lives. Gulp. My inner critic is an as$%&@#. I don’t need friends like that in my life! Yet, it does make sense. As I adjust my goals and become more honest with myself, I have noticed that some genuine friendships have blossomed that speak to the newly emerging parts of me. I made one such friend just this week. Well, I sort of already knew her because I read her bo

“What we focus on expands.” -Danielle LaPorte We are surrounded by talk of resolutions this time of year. Crisp, new calendars are bright and shiny with opportunity. We fill them with big plans and lofty goals. January is for hoping and dreaming. I am choosing a different route this year - a paradigm shift. If I create the right mindset, then I believe that other benefits will trickle down into the diverse aspects of my identity. I can become a better version of myself as a w

As 2017 comes to a close, I have spent hours in reflection. It has been a big year in many ways. I have laughed, cried, lost, hurt, loved and felt so, so much. All the feelings. It has been a year full of self-discovery, growth and unbecoming. I wanted to have one word to encapsulate this tumultuous twelve months. “Soul” made a strong case for itself. This year was full of soul fight, and I am endearingly called a soul activist by my close friends. But no, 2017 had another wo

The threat of rain darkened the November sky. A light breeze sent golden leaves floating to the concrete patio below. Seated across from me on the blue, slightly lopsided picnic table was my person. Fifteen years of marriage brought us to this point. A child-free weekend in our favorite mountain town. We were trying out a new (to us) taco joint. He went for the pork belly and shrimp - hold the pickled cucumbers. Blackened fish and Thai chicken were my choices. A single Korean

I want to be famous to shuffling men who smile while crossing streets, sticky children in grocery lines, famous as the one who smiled back. I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous, or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular, but because it never forgot what it could do. -Naomi Shihab Nye, excerpt from “Famous” The stranger’s unkempt mane, fried and frizzy, invaded my line of vision as I perused the shelves. Her raspy voice exposed

A few weeks ago, I quit in the middle of a CrossFit workout. “So, you stopped exercising? What’s the big deal?” To outsiders, this does not seem alarming. But in the seven years I have been doing CrossFit, it was a first for me. CrossFit purists would argue that you always finish. “You are stronger than you think you are!” “It won’t get easier, you just get better!” We cheer everyone on to the finish. A community is forged. Those who suffer together stay together. Quitting w

She cried out home. I need me some home. Oh, I need some home. -Johnnyswim, “Home” Do you remember when we were kids and home base was always a safe place? I guess it still is in baseball. But I remember playing tag and designating some person or place as “home.” Nobody could touch you or get to you in that space. It was comforting — a place of rest. You could let down your guard. It is only natural to me that coming home means opening up. I have been guarded all day. I lea

And I want to tell her to do more than just believe it, but to enjoy it! That changing your mind is one of the best ways of finding out whether or not you still have one. -Taylor Mali, “Like Lilly Like Wilson” I started off in January declaring 2017 to be my year of minimalism. My best friend also adopted this goal. Well, she won. She swept through her entire house in less than a week. She made a budgetary plan to minimize spending. A third of her belongings were at Goodwill

One of my best friends and favorite people in college was Terri. Her smile and positive attitude were absolutely infectious. Whether we were prepping for exams or preparing the salad bar at Ruby Tuesdays (Hostesses with the Mostestes), she was always sure to brighten my day in true “Terri-fic” fashion. She did not allow or tolerate negativity. If she caught me degrading or talking down about myself, she made me stop and give five things that I loved about myself. FIVE things!

I don’t ever speak to my high school friends, rarely converse with my college friends and seldom talk with my New York City or Colorado friends. Most of my life is spent in the here and now. Yet, I can tell you when those friends have taken exciting trips, celebrated milestones or experienced tragedy. Social media provides a live feed into the lives of acquaintances both near and far. But at times, I have to remind myself that our entire culture, including my circle of friend

My dad used to say, “If one person calls you a jackass you can ignore him. If three people call you a jackass, you should find a saddle.” After a member of my book club, my husband, a friend and a fellow writer all recently told me not to “take things personally,” I thought the time had come to saddle up. “Don't take it personally.” This statement flew at me from every direction. But why? What kind of self-absorbed person makes everything about herself? Conversations about bo

My blog turns one today. They say you can only write what you would like to read. It makes sense; self-help books spill over onto the floor from my bedside table. One year ago, I decided to start blogging and documenting my journey to unbecoming. I wanted to use writing as a tool for excavation - to create a space for thinking and reflection. There was no plan or agenda. Write your story as you go. I am amazed by the outcome of this twelve month journey. My husband summed it

Grounded. Centered. Balanced. I used to think these words were cliché and obnoxious. I was a busy, efficient person - a real go-getter. There was no time for new agey nonsense. Yet I have changed my tune over the past year. For thirty seven years, I was a manager, project director and task master in my life. These days, I am slowing down to enjoy being present. I am living, not just doing. I am learning that while presence is paramount and life changing, it is not easy to att

“How is your marriage?” She sat across from me, pen poised in hand, as she listened and studied my body language. My shoulders loosened. I felt myself melt into the cushions of the couch. The hum of the noise machine slowed my breathing. My jawline relaxed. “Aside from my kids, it is what I am most proud of in my life.” It was a casual “I thought you’d never ask” kind of response. This was a rare opportunity to talk about my marriage. I am unaccustomed to the presence of stra