They say you can only write what you would like to read. It makes sense; self-help books spill over onto the floor from my bedside table. One year ago, I decided to start blogging and documenting my journey to unbecoming. I wanted to use writing as a tool for excavation - to create a space for thinking and reflection. There was no plan or agenda. Write your story as you go.
I am amazed by the outcome of this twelve month journey. My husband summed it up: “Your writing has been your best therapy.” I have documented the highs and lows of my growth. Ailing parents, children, career, marriage, health and personal growth create a cacophony in my heart and mind. What I once described as broken or my beautiful mess I now describe as openness. I am split wide open for the world to see, but most importantly, for myself to see.
One of my recent meditations started with the line, “I love you. I am listening.” I was supposed to say these words to myself. Crazy, right? It seems so obvious. But it was not obvious or natural for me. A year ago, I did not listen to myself because, honestly, I did not truly know who I was. I knew my roles. I knew what I was expected to do.
In the Internal Family Systems Model, Dr. Richard Schwartz describes the core or center of a person as the true self. This self consists of the 8 Cs:
Through my process of unbecoming, I have begun to uncover my core self. Meditation has brought me a new sense of calm. Better understanding of myself has increased my compassion for others. Developing my voice as a writer has grown my confidence and enabled me to tap into my creative nature. Voracious reading and exploration have engaged my curiosity. Letters, notes, emails, texts and phone calls from readers have grounded me and allowed me to connect as a mother, daughter, wife, woman, teacher, friend and human being. Openly sharing my story with the world has fostered courage. Time and space have brought clarity; some of the fog lifted.
An authentic self made her debut. As the saying goes, I love who I am because I fought hard to become her.
I love you. I am listening.
Fifty-two blog posts later, I do not pretend to fully know myself. I’m not sure I ever will. But I am so much closer. I am aware and awake in a way that I have never been. I started this project to find myself and along the way I found so many others. I spent my life thinking I needed outer sources to create my inner world. Now I understand how the inner can create the outer. Writing has been a bridge to connect my inner world to so many people. We all have a story worth telling. Thank you for being a part of mine.